12 positive parenting solutions for a struggling parent – Mummascribbles

I have mentioned recently that I have been struggling to parent my children. Both of them are being nightmares in their own way. Zach is acting like a teenager – not listening, yelling at me, huffing, puffing, slamming doors in anger, and yelling in my face.

Then there is Oscar. He doesn’t listen either – but he is also picking up some of Zach’s ways of dealing with things which means that he too yells in my face, huffs and puffs, and if he had the strength, he would probably slam the door as well.

I am at the point of signing up to a pretty expensive parenting course because right now – I feel like I need all the help I can get. I am fed up of shouting at them all the time. Before I hit that purchase button though, I have been doing a bit of research around the internet. There is so much advice out there to deal with these things, and I thought it would be helpful to round up some of that information. If you are dealing with any of the similar issues that I am dealing with, and wondering how the hell to deal with it in a different way, then here are 12 positive parenting solutions for you to try out! And if I do buy that course, I’ll let you know how I get on!

Talk to them at their level

Powering over them when they are having one of their moments isn’t really going to help anyone. I know that if I stand tall and shout at Zach, when he is yelling back at me, I can see that he is trying to extend his height, to make himself feel bigger, to feel that he is equal to me and that he is big enough to be yelling at me. By going down to their level and trying to talk to them with eye contact, it can help diffuse the situation much quicker. It also means that if their anger suddenly turns to tears, you are there ready to hug it out of them.

Walk away

One of the most positive things that you can do in a tempestuous situation is to walk away before you explode. If you can feel yourself getting angry and you know that an explosion of shouting is coming – then just take yourself to a different room. Explain to your child that you are just going to go into another room to take a moment to deal with your anger rather than yelling at them, pop off, take a few deep breaths and then go back to your child and try to talk through the issue at hand calmly. Amy McCready, founder of Positive Parenting Solutions says that,

A good sign that you need to gain control is if the words on your tongue are ‘because I said so, that’s why!

I know from my own experience that those words are totally and utterly pointless. A child does not understand that. That is not a reasoning that they are looking for and they need much clearer information than that. So if that’s where you are getting to, go for a breather to think about your next steps!

Help each other

Now we all find ourselves in the position of wanting them to tidy up after themselves, but I have noticed that even though they have made a mess, they actually find it pretty hard to tidy up. If you have asked them to tidy up and their response is ‘no’, then think about the possible reason behind this.

A couple of months ago Oscar threw a load of picture cards all over the floor. They were everywhere. I asked him to tidy them up but he point blank refused. Just at the point where I started yelling at him to do it (not helpful at all), I took a step back and looked at the situation. Yes he had made the mess, but looking around, I could see that he was probably a bit overwhelmed at the task of tidying up. It was a lot of mess spread around the whole room. So I teamed up with him. I sat on the floor and held the box that they were originally in, and he then picked up each card and put it in the box. By me helping him (even though all I was doing was holding the box), it seemed to alleviate some of the weight of the task and made him realise that he was more than capable of picking up the cards.

The same can be said for Zach as well, even though he is that much older. Some tasks can be overwhelming, so encouraging them to help you tidy up rather than make them do it all by themselves, can alleviate some of the frustrations that they feel by the overwhelm.

Act on the first warning

How many of us use the 1,2,3 technique? I know I do. It’s the only thing I know how to do in some situations, and at the moment with Oscar, it mostly works. Not always, but mostly. I do however know that it isn’t the ideal way of parenting. Constantly having to repeat my threats before getting to the 1,2,3 stage and then having to go through all of that rubbish as well – well it’s pretty exhausting. So instead of going through it, ask them once to do something and then if they don’t – carry through on your consequence. So;

“Oscar, stop hitting the table with that or I am going to throw it away”

Followed by;

“Oscar I am not going to ask you again, stop hitting the table with it or I will take it”.

Followed by;

“I am going to count to three and take it from you. 1…2…”

And he finally does it.

Changes to –

“Oscar, stop hitting the table with that or I am going to put it away and you won’t be able to have it for the rest of the day”.

And if he doesn’t stop – it goes straight away without any further warnings.

If all you ever do is repeat yourself over and over and over again before you finally take the thing away, they are going to know to expect that they have several more chances – several more bashes in this case – before it is taken away. If every time you give them the first warning and then the next time take it away straight away, they will come to learn that Mummy or Daddy no longer mess around, and when they say they are going to take it away, they really do mean it from the outset.

Listen to them

Do you know what I am noticing recently with Zach? I keep cutting him off. Mostly because I am fed up of the moaning and hearing the same things over and over again. But he will be half way through reasoning as to why he absolutely needs to watch the iPad, and because in my mind the answer is still no – I cut him off before he has finished explaining himself. That then leads to him yelling at me for not listening to him, which is all I ever ask for him to do to me. So why shouldn’t it work the other way around as well.

We can’t expect them to listen to us unless we also listen to them. So if your child is trying to reason with you about something, let them fully explain their why’s before you just shoot down their ideas. The answer may still be no, but if you have listened to their explanation, they are much more likely to respond in the same way and listen to your reasons as well. They might not – but it’s worth a try!

Avoid known triggers

We all know the things that set our children off don’t we? We all know the things that leave us walking on eggshells around them – especially when they are in their twos or threes. Just try and avoid them in the first place! Tantrums aren’t a bad thing, in fact they are an important part of a child’s emotions health and wellbeing. But if you do know how to avoid them, with knowing the things that set them off – then it’s the easiest thing all around!

Say ‘YES’ more

I mean this is far easier said than done (I know that), but have you thought about being more of a yes parent? How often do you find yourself saying no to stuff they ask for? I think for me it’s about 90% of the time which I know is completely and utterly wrong. And most of the time, I say no because it is an inconvenience to me!

“Mummy can you get the marble run down?” says Oscar.

“No darling – I can’t be bothered to build it for you to knock down five minutes later” says I.

But he is a toddler. He only really knows how to play in short bursts and so whatever he plays with won’t last a sufficient amount of time to make it worthwhile to me. And yet it is totally worthwhile to him.

“Mummy, can we make a waterfall with your duvet?” says Zach.

“No darling – I don’t want you making a mess with the bed so that I don’t have to tidy it all back up again” says I.

And yet all it would take is a slight change to the answers.

“Yes you can have the marble set down, and when you are done with it, you can help me tidy it up. I can hold the box and you can chuck it all in there”.

“Yes you can play waterfalls with the duvet, just as long as you help me to get it all back on the bed again afterwards”.

The Pragmatic Parent says,

For Each ‘No’ you say, research says you need to say ‘Yes’ five times

You can read her really interesting article on the 5: Rule of Parenting here – she has some fabulous examples of real life instances of changing a no answer to a yes one.

By saying yes and allowing them to have that little bit of fun when they really do want it, can make it easier to explain the no reasoning when you absolutely need to. Be more open to their ideas, and they will be more open to yours.

Spend more time with them

Sounds simple right? But how much time do you actually spend focused on your child? We are all so busy with work, the home, cooking, etc. There are so many distractions with our phones and social media. I think we have totally lost the focus of what we should be doing.

Have a think about how much time you actually spend sitting with your child. I know that after school I tend to leave them to their own devices so that I can get on with stuff that needs doing. I figure that they will entertain themselves – and then after a while when they start beating each other up or arguing over stuff, I then fall back to the secondary parenting method of technology. Now I know this needs to stop. I need to stop doing the other stuff and instead, play with them. Sit with them. Talk to them. Make them know that I am around to have fun with them and not just being boring old Mum who is unloading the dishwasher, making herself a cup of tea, and counting down until their bedtime!

More one on one time

Having more than one child is an extremely tricky scenario – especially if the ages are quite different. There are four years between Zach and Oscar, and with Zach being nearly seven, there is stuff that he wants to do that should be just for him to do. But so often I just ask him to involve his little brother to keep the peace – because Oscar always wants to be doing what Zach is doing. But it is so important for Zach to feel that he has his own stuff and doesn’t have to share absolutely everything he does. So spending time one on one with each of them is so important.

I have organised a couple of trips for Zach in the Summer holidays that are just for him. Both involve the theatre. One to see Brainiac and one to see The Worst Witch. There will be no Oscar. Just Zach, Daddy and I for Braniac, and Zach and I for The Worst Witch. And after the awesome school report that came home yesterday, they are two trips that are well and truly deserved 🙂

Offer choices

Sometimes we forget that our children just like to be in control of their own decision making. By forcing them to do something, they will often naturally resist. Instead, give them two options that they can decide upon.

Yesterday I wanted to change Oscar’s nappy but he didn’t want me to. It was very wet so I had no choice – but instead of just changing it, I offered him a choice.

You see he wanted to play a specific game with me. So I said that he could decide what to do. Either let me change his nappy and then play the game, or not change his nappy and not play the game. He did some thinking and he decided that the nappy and game option was the best. And that’s what happened. I changed his nappy without any quibbles and we then had a few games of what he wanted to play!

Use diversion

Instead of losing your cool, can you use a diversion tactic. If they are having a tantrum over something, can you take them to another room, or out into the garden where their mind can be turned onto something different that will bring them out of their tantrum? Oscar was having an absolute meltdown a couple of days ago where he and his brother had just had a massive falling out. I took Oscar into the garden and even though it wasn’t instant, he calmed down a lot quicker than he would have done had we have still been in the house.

With other stuff like not wanting them to watch the TV or technology, can you divert their wants onto something else like reading a book or doing a puzzle? The minute I mention doing a puzzle to Oscar, he immediately agrees and forgets what the other thing was that he wanted. The same goes for play-doh or crazy sand. If they are mentioned, that’s it – his attention is diverted.

Figure out what it is they love to do that sometimes you don’t let them do freely (especially if it is messy), and I have no doubt they will choose that thing!

Praise them

This is top of the pops this one. We tend to focus so much on the stuff we don’t want them to do – the not listening, and the back-chatting – that when they do something good, it just flows on by. Instead, really focus on these good things. Big up the smallest of achievements.

They threw their cup in the sink rather than on the floor – massive well done.

They got a sticker at school for helping their teacher – huge round of applause.

They had their nappy changed without causing a kerfuffle – high blinking five!

Eventually they will see how you respond to their good behaviour and they will want more and more of that positive attention.

I hope you have found these positive parenting solutions for a struggling parent useful. I don’t think there is any instant answer to parenting problems, but hopefully by introducing even just a couple of these things, life as a parent will become just that little bit easier for you. It all takes hard work and working out what is best for you and your child. And if you are struggling right now, I am of course sending you a huge virtual hug. I’m right there with you.

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