A little letter to my poorly feeling toddler | Mummascribbles

Dear Zachary,

I wish that I could take away every ounce of pain, discomfort and sadness that you ever experience. There is nothing harder than seeing you sad, nothing worse than knowing you’re not feeling well and that I can’t make it better. Today, when you were crying inconsolably, when there was nothing your daddy and I could do at that moment to make you feel better, it made me feel so sad. You didn’t want to be awake but you didn’t want to be asleep. You didn’t want your sleeping bag on but you also didn’t want it off. You didn’t want your dummy but you did want it. You didn’t want to be on daddy’s lap but you also didn’t want to be on the floor. You just quite simply wanted to sit and cry, it was the only way you could display to us that you just weren’t feeling well. For that moment, there was nothing we could do to make you feel better, you didn’t even want calpol! I felt so sad watching you and feeling completely helpless.

When you were 2 months old, you came down with bronchiolitis and ended up in hospital on oxygen. It wasn’t serious, it was just a very bad cold but you struggled to fight it and every time the alarm went off telling us your oxygen levels were too low, it terrified me. When they had to put the tubes into your nose and it made you so sad, I cried.

Last year you were back in hospital with suspected bronchiolitis but thankfully it wasn’t as bad and you were allowed home after the doctors had spent the day keeping an eye on you. And so when you get a cold or a cough, I panic that we’re going to end up back in the children’s ward with you on oxygen, because once you’ve had bronchiolitis, you are at risk of it occurring every damn winter.

When you are feeling poorly, all I want to do is cuddle you, rub your back, soothe you and make sure you are ok. And I know that will never change. When you get your first nosebleed, your first badly scraped knee, your first broken heart, I will do all I can to look after and protect you. I’ll do my best to make you feel better and I’ll show you the biggest amount of love you’ll ever know. Whatever you are faced with in life, I’ll be there by your side. It’s one of my roles as your mum, it’s what I signed up to and it’s what I want to do. Forever.

Meanwhile, we’ll get through another cold, some more sleepless nights and some more sadness. And I’ll keep kissing you through it, even when you keep telling me no!!

Lots and lots of love,

Your mummy
xxx