love Archives – Mummascribbles

This week I’m joining in with the lovely Heledd from Running in Lavender with her linky My Captured Moment.

I’ve been feeling a bit nostalgic for those early Zach days. There’s been a few moments this week where my heart has been ready to burst with love and I’ve just looked at him with these eyes that simply tell him how much I love him, how much I am fascinated by him and how I simply adore him. It reminded me of a couple of photos back in those early days that just showed pure love. One shot between him and me and one between him and his daddy. 

The photos really do say a thousand words.   

  

    

Today I turned 32. How did that happen? I swear I only fell pregnant the other day and I was 29 then…how am I 32?! Apart from having the most awesome little boy in the world filling my time along with a job, I honestly can’t think how the last few years have simply whizzed by!

Today, I saw photos of my previous colleagues’ new baby. A beautiful little girl. She and I seemed to go through stages at very similar times. We had shitty relationships and break ups at similar times, then we hooked up with our other halves at similar times. She got married and we skipped that bit (for now) and had a baby and now she’s just had her first, by csection just like I did!

I am jealous of all those new feelings she gets to experience. The absolute love and adoration for this tiny little being that has been brought into the world. Those feelings never ever go away but when they are so tiny and helpless it’s something else.

The experience of trying and hopefully managing to breastfeed. There is no closer bond than that, when your baby falls asleep on your boob and you just leave it hanging out for fear of waking them and disturbing them!

All those firsts that happen.

Ok so I’m not jealous of the sleepless nights and zombie like feeling but I know that when you are in the midst of it you just deal with it, battle on, and you look back 2 years later thinking how the hell did I do that?!

So many wonderful things have happened since I was 29 and yet I’m still not sure how it’s all fitted in and I find myself at 32.

So happy birthday to me. Every year is a wonderful birthday with my beautiful young man in it – even when I do spend it at work!!

2 years ago tonight I kissed my Dad goodbye for the last time.

2 years ago tomorrow I woke up and my Dad was no longer here.

My Dad was diagnosed with an incurable brain tumour in April 2012.

We were told that he had 12-18 months to live.

Suddenly, it was more like 6-9 months.

Still that was wrong.

The brain tumour killed him on 28th July 2012.

Just 4 months after diagnosis.

I was 7 months pregnant.

I miss my Dad.

I hate the fact that my beautiful little boy never got to meet him.

That there will never be a photo of Zach and his Grandad.

That I can’t call him when I’m stuck with something, like a car problem or to borrow him for some DIY.

I hate that he was taken away before he should have been.

He was 64.

A baby really.

He had a wife. 2 daughters. 1 doting grandson and 1 on the way.

I hate that I’ll never hear his voice again.

Never see his name flash up on my phone.

Never have another disagreement about the current music hit!

I hate so much that we lost him.

He was an incredible Dad.

An incredible Grandad.

I just wish my little boy got to meet him.

But he will grow up knowing him.

I’ll tell him all about him.

Show him pictures.

Visit his burial plot.

Tomorrow, we shall all be together. Me, Zach, Mum, my Sister and Nephew.

We shall visit Dad in his beautiful resting place.

We shall eat lunch and remember what a wonderful Dad he was.

The family together but less one.

2 years has flown by.

Life is so hectic.

But I never forget.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think about him.

I’ll love you forever Dad.

So will Zach.

xxx