Mummascribbles – Do we really need to be taught how to parent? – Mummascribbles

The latest news from Downing Street is that David Cameron wants to make parenting classes the norm for all families. Being a parent is a huge learning curve, there is no doubt about that – however it is a learning curve that comes through experience and with every child being different, is there really a need for us to attend classes?

I can’t say that in the last three years and three months, I have needed a teacher to tell me how to parent my son. I am not saying he is perfect – he is far from that. I am not saying I’m the perfect mother – definitely not, but there hasn’t been a moment when I have found myself standing there in desperation, on my phone googling my nearest parenting class.

When Zach was tiny, there was a day where he didn’t stop crying. I think he was three weeks old, I was still recovering from my c-section and I was absolutely exhausted. He didn’t stop crying and I didn’t know what was wrong with him. I cuddled him, I fed him, I changed him. He didn’t stop crying. Which made me cry and the pair of us were sat on the sofa sobbing our hearts out. Did I pick up my phone to find a parenting class? Did I even call the health visitor who I am sure would have offered  a form of support (although that may have been dependent on which one answered the phone!)? No. I called my sister. I called my sister because she knows me, she loves me, she loves my son and she has been there herself. She couldn’t get round quick enough, she dropped everything for me. At that moment, I didn’t need someone to tell me how to try and stop my son from crying, I needed someone I was close to, to come round, make me a cup of tea and hold my baby for half an hour. That’s all I needed.

We didn’t experience the terrible two’s with Zach. Don’t get me wrong, he had his moments of tantrums but really they were nothing to contend with and through him having them and me experiencing them, I learnt all by myself how to deal with them. In fact, I wrote a whole post about it! The key was to let him ride it out. There is no point in trying to get involved, trying to calm him or trying to talk to him. It would just make it worse. I learnt that all on my own. Nobody told me what to do, I just learnt through my experience how best to deal with him. Someone else might have a completely different experience. Talking and comforting them might be the only way. For me, this wasn’t the case and therefore surely no-one could have taught me how to deal with that.

On Tuesday this week when we arrived home from nursery and Zach wanted to stay in the car and go to sleep rather than go into the house; as I was trying to get him out he whacked me in the face. Like a proper slap. He was tired, exhausted, and I knew that was why this happened. Did I let him get away with it though? No. The look on my face made him realise immediately that he had done wrong (he knows that we do not hit people). I took him from the car, straight indoors and sat him on the sofa where he was in tears, telling me to go away. I told him that he could sit there and think about what he’d done, and that he couldn’t move until he was ready to apologise. I don’t care how tired he was, he must learn that it is not acceptable to hit people in any situation. I went off to get changed leaving him to think about his actions and when I went downstairs, I went into the front room where he apologised. “Sorry mummy”, he said. I asked him what he was sorry for and he said “for hitting you”. We then had the discussion of why we don’t hit, that it was wrong for him to have lashed out at me and I knew in his little voice that his apology was sincere. We had a big cuddle on the sofa and all was ok again. Not at one moment in that scenario did I think that I could have handled it any differently. Not at any point did I feel that there was any need to handle it any differently. And not at any point did I think that a parenting class would have helped me deal with it any differently.

All three of these occasions above have been dealt with through my learning experience of being a mum and of knowing my son. Of knowing how he reacts to different things in different ways. Of knowing the different battles to pick and of sometimes knowing to just leave it. Yes I have asked for advice, yes I have picked up the phone. But it’s been to people I know, people who are close to me and people who know my son. 

I am absolutely sure that there are people out there who would find parenting classes really helpful. Maybe one day I will think differently (I’m imagining a teenage Zach here!). I just don’t think that classes should be the norm. They should be there for people who want to attend them. There for people who need them. Much like antenatal classes. You don’t have to go but you can if you want to. Surely by making them the norm, we are all belittling ourselves and being forced to feel that we aren’t good enough parents?

All children are different. All mums and dads are different and all parenting experiences are different. Let’s let mums and dads get on with learning through parenting, just like our mums and dads did, rather than being made to feel bad that they aren’t doing it in a certain way. And when we are feeling like we need a little help, we can know that the service is there ready for us should we want it.