The if and when of baby number two – Mummascribbles

When we first had Zach, it wasn’t long before the topic of baby number two came up. We’ve always known that we don’t just want one child so it was natural that the conversation came up quite early on. We appeared to be under this illusion of beautiful babyhood in that we wouldn’t leave it too long. I think we came up with the idea that we’d leave it a couple of years and then try again, aiming for around a three year age gap. I don’t know why we ever thought that would be possible but we kept it in our minds for a while because it’s what we wanted. It wasn’t until we started looking into nurseries for Zach that suddenly the cost implications of a second child entered our brains. Basically, there was no way we’d be able to afford two lots of nursery fees, there is no way my Mum would look after two for the amount of time that she currently looks after Zach (and it wouldn’t be fair to even ask her!), and there is no way either of us could give up work. Suddenly, we quite simply could not afford to have another baby.

I won’t lie, I was hugely disappointed and have been since. But – and there is a but. Sometimes (not all the time but sometimes), I look at our situation and am a little thankful for it. There are times when I genuinely cannot imagine having a three year old and having a newborn. Zach isn’t hard work (mostly) but he is full on. He requires our attention constantly. He always needs to be doing something and whilst there are times when he is happy to play on his own, these times are rare. There are times when I am incredibly glad that it is just him that is receiving all of our attention. That days out are centred solely on his entertainment. That everything is about making him feel loved, showing him that he is our one and all and that he feels that he has us wholly. He is still so young, he is still so little and I’m glad that right now, he doesn’t have to put up with us having to share our love around. He sees us for such a small amount of time anyway, I am a little thankful that he doesn’t have to share us just yet.

But then of course there are the moments that I look at him and long for the baby that he was and the baby that I so want. Not because I don’t want him how he is, I just don’t understand where the time has gone and how he is so big. He doesn’t stop growing. He keeps asking to be measured on his height chart and every time, he is a little bit taller. He’s so big. Less than a month away from being three. In full swing of being toilet trained and wearing pants. Proper little boy pants. I mean look at the size of him!

I long for the days when he would fall asleep on me. I long for the days that he would sleep on my chest, or right next to me, snuggled up into me feeling safe and protected. I long for the days when he needed me 100%.

He still needs me, but not quite as much as he did. And it’s always in those moments that it feels unfair that I have to wait to go through that experience again when the pair of us earn a bloomin decent amount of money! It’s just not enough for living near London (we couldn’t afford to actually stay in London!), in 2015, where everything costs so much money and where the government have to bring in schemes to help people like us buy their first house (we totally used it!). Where nursery fees cost almost, if not as much, as mortgages and the cost of eating healthy food is shocking.

I am absolutely certain there are others out there, in the position that we are in where they simply cannot afford to have a second child. That they too have to wait until their first is heading off to school before they can give birth again. It sometimes feels like we are the only ones. That everyone seems to be able to keep having children without the consequences that could come from it! We surely can’t be the only ones!

And so our plan is to try for another baby in the lead up to Zach starting school the year after next. So that if and when I have to go back to work (it’s highly likely), one will be in school and one will be in nursery. It also gives me a good couple of years to come up with my get rich plan so that I can stay at home more or work from home and be there more for my children (I can dream right?!).

For now though, I am of course more than happy with the one gorgeous child that I have. He is certainly not lacking in any way for not having a sibling yet and when (hopefully) the time does come, he will be older and maybe a little less demanding than he is now!

And hey, if the get rich quick plan comes along any time soon, I’ll be straight off that pill!!