Another Father's Day without Dad – Mummascribbles

He’s been on my mind a lot recently, my Dad. He always is at this time of year. It would have been his birthday a couple of weeks ago, and now it’s Father’s Day. What used to be a busy month of celebrations for him, with him insisting that we didn’t need to buy him a present for both events (but we always did) – but now, nothing.

I remember the lead up to the first Father’s Day after we lost him. I was standing in Tesco with the other half who was buying a card for his Dad, and I had to look away. I was sad and I was jealous. Jealous that he was still getting to buy one for his Dad, and I couldn’t buy one for mine.

It has of course gotten easier over the years. I can now stand next to my other half and watch him buying a card! But it’s not always an easy day in itself. I mean I am often mostly distracted by having to make it special for the other half. Of buying the cards from the boys, the present, any outings that we might be going on (this year we happen to be on holiday so I had to be super prepared). But in the back of my mind, my Dad will always be sitting there missing out on being celebrated.

I find myself wondering what he would be like now. It’s been almost seven years since he died and all I remember is the 64 year old man that left us. At 71, I have no doubt that he would be both very different, and very much the same. He never seemed to age, but I think there would have been a significant change in him if he were still alive today. He’d have the same laugh, the same squinty eyes when he smiled, but I do wonder what else he would be like now. Would he be the same kind selfless man, or would he have toughened up a bit in old age?

I remember when he first got ill in April 2012. Myself and the other half had booked a holiday (which turned out to be our babymoon – when we booked it I wasn’t pregnant), and it meant that we would be away for Father’s Day. I had obviously run it past him at the time of booking and he didn’t care at all, wanting to me to enjoy a holiday! And his thoughts didn’t change even when he was ill. I checked with him that he was OK for us to still go and he still insisted that it was absolutely fine – he would not have let us cancel it. That’s just the kind of man he was.

Luckily for me, at this point he was still pretty OK. He was at home being looked after by my Mum and carers, still fully compos mentis, spending his days on the sofa watching loads of TV because he couldn’t move himself around very well.

It was after we returned from our hols that his condition really deteriorated, and it was only about four or five weeks later that he passed away.

Do I regret not being here for his last ever Father’s Day?

It’s not something I really think about but despite me missing him like hell, and wishing he would just come back, I don’t regret being away at that time. Because of his birthday, Father’s Day just wasn’t as meaningful to him. We always did cards and small gifts, always visited him on the day, but he really wasn’t that bothered about it.

Had I have missed his birthday (which actually could have been the case because we were originally planning on going in the last week of May and would have overlapped into June 3rd), I would have been gutted. I don’t think I would have ever forgiven myself for being away on his last ever birthday. Because by that point, we were all very well aware that it would probably be his last one. He still wouldn’t have minded if I wasn’t there, because as I said, that’s just the type of man he was; but I know I would still be angry with myself now if that’s what had happened.

Losing Dad was the most horrendous thing I have ever been through. There is no pain greater than losing someone you love (and I had a horrible painful birth with Oscar so that’s saying something). It crushes your heart into a million pieces, it devastates you, it just makes you forever wonder why. Why him? Why so young? Why, when he had SO MUCH to live for.

He has missed out on so much over the years. Things that he should still be enjoying now. He never got to meet my boys. He never got to see me become a Mum. He never got to see my Sister become a teacher. Never got to watch my Nephew turn into a teenager. Never got to move to a beautiful little house with my Mum. All of these things have happened without him here and that really does suck for everyone.

And there is of course one other big thing relating to me, and that’s that he won’t get to walk me down the aisle when we get married next year. My Mum is of course doing the honours, but she wouldn’t mind me saying that I bloody wish it was him. When I am looking through one of the wedding groups that I am in on Facebook and people start asking about Dad/Daughter dances, I scroll on by. Reading them makes me feel sad that I don’t get to do that with my Dad. I’m sad that he won’t get to do a Father of the Bride speech. Sad that he will miss the celebrations. Sad in fact that he is missing out on all the planning stories. I know he would love it!

With every year that passes – every birthday, every Father’s Day; there is always something that he has missed out on and more that he will be missing out on. But for us, we are missing out so much more by not having him.

Sending huge hugs to anyone who has lost their Dad and is struggling today.