Mummascribbles – 3 years since we lost dad – Mummascribbles

It’s been three years today since we lost my dad. Three years since I was woken by the phone call telling me he had gone. Of course it was expected and of course when I heard the phone ringing, the one that I’d had by my bedside night after night, I knew what it meant. I hesitated to even answer it because I knew what was coming from the other end. And I was right. ‘He’s gone’. Those two simple words, when put together, are earth shattering.

Losing someone isn’t easy. I’ve lost a few since I’ve been grown up. My grandad, my grandpa, my nan. Each one has made me weep. Only one was unexpected; my grandad. But losing a parent? Losing a parent is just horrendous. There is only one loss that could be worse but I’m not even going to contemplate that.

Losing someone that you’ve had around for almost 30 years is destroying. To watch that person fade away into a person you don’t recognise is horrible.

The person that kissed you goodnight.

The person that brought you a cup of tea and a biscuit every morning before work and even on the weekends.

The person that drove you to the train station every morning before you learnt to drive.

The person that got up in the middle of the night just to tuck you back in.

The spider rescuer.

The one who you could call at midnight because you’d missed your last train and needed picking up.

The one that would walk into the same pub as you on Christmas Eve.

That face. That oh so familiar face that you sometimes see in your son and always see in your nephew.

The past three years have flown by. Becoming a mum, working full time, the day’s tick by faster than you could ever imagine. But not a day has gone by that I haven’t thought of dad. Not a day goes by that I don’t miss him. It’s got easier to deal with. It has to. But there are moments that happen when the immediate thought is, what would dad do or dad would have loved this.

When we were buying our house, every financial aspect would have been scrutinised by dad. I had so many of those, what would dad recommend moments.

When I need to do something to my car, I always think of him. He was the one that took it in for services and put air in the tyres.

When we are out having fun, especially when it involves some kind of steam train or theme park ride I think, he would have loved this.

He has missed so much over the last three years. Probably the three most important years of my life and he missed it all. And that’s what makes me the most sad. Not that he died. Not that the evil tumour took him away from us. Everyone has an end point and yes, of course his came too early but I’ve dealt with losing him. What I struggle to deal with is the things he’s missing out on. The things that he would so love if he was still around. I always like to think that he’s there with us. That when Zach was on his first donkey ride, dad was there at the side of him like he’d have been with us. That when were on the steam trains, dad was there too. But it’s not the same. It’s not the same as being able to see his smiling face enjoying it for real. It’s so unfair that he has missed some incredible moments over the last three years. And it’s so unfair that we’ve had to experience them without him.

Losing a parent is just horrible. Losing one who still had so much to live for, is just cruel.

He’ll be in my thoughts lots today. As he is on every other.