Mummascribbles – Turning 33 and having an identity crisis – Mummascribbles

Last weekend I wrote a birthday card for the other half. Happy 33rd birthday I put. And seeing those numbers felt weird. For the first time it was a bit of a shock to see such numbers written down.

Tomorrow I turn 33 myself. Those two numbers that felt so weird to look at written down are suddenly my age.

I think it feels weird because I don’t feel it. I know we always feel like we are younger than we actually are but I really really do. I still feel about 27 but in reality I am now 6 years older than that.

33.

Technically grown up and yet I still don’t feel like a grown woman.

I own a house.

I have a child.

I have been working for 11 years.

But I still deep down feel like a girl.

Not a young girl, a young woman I guess, but definitely not a grown one.

I keep wondering when I’m going to feel grown up.  I read this post by Jess at Mummy of Boy Girl Twins recently who at the age of 37 feels her absolute happiest.  She is comfortable in her 37 year old skin, she is comfortable with her style and she is blooming in motherhood.

As we get older we definitely feel more and more content but there is so much in my life right now that I question that there is no way that I could write that post that Jess wrote.

Of course I am happy.  How could I not be? I have the most beautiful little boy, the most wonderful partner, a lovely little home and hopefully in the not too distant future, another child to welcome into it.

But those questions, those doubts still linger there.

Do I like my job? Am I even good at it any more?
OK so those questions have recently been answered. Yes I do still enjoy it and yep, having just organised three pretty much back to back events and making each of them rock, I am good at what I do. But every day I still want to quit. Every day I want to go and do something simple that means I don’t have to travel away from home,  that I finish work on time and that doesn’t cause me any stresses that I take home with me.

Am I a good mum?

I often don’t feel it. I know that Zach loves me. There is no question of that. I just most of the time often feel like a really crap mum. So much of our lives is a rush. I feel like I spend half of my time moaning at him because we are trying to get out of the door on time, trying to get him to bed. I see him for such a small amount of time and yet I feel like that time is spent moaning at him.

He is three. He doesn’t understand that I have to get to work on time and that’s why we are rushing around. He doesn’t understand that I’m really really tired or a bit stressed from work.  All he wants to do at that moment is play with his new rocket or read a story or pretend that he is a bouncy castle (yes really). But that doesn’t stop me from needing to leave the house and that doesn’t stop me from feeling like a crap mum most of the time.

Why do I feel so frumpy when I’m in my prime?

I’ve never been great at styling. I always opt for the clothes that hide my podgy bits and normally go for darker colours. Last time I went shopping I bought bright red trousers along with bright blues and greens in tops. I love them and always feel more confident when wearing them but unfortunately I feel like I need a million other clothes to be updated in my wardrobe.

I feel like I never know what to wear to work and end up in black trousers and a top. I never ever feel stylish! Also, I’m feeling a bit overweight at the moment. I haven’t exercised for months and my sweet tooth has been catching up with me. Once again I’m looking in the mirror and not liking what I see. And yet I don’t know where exactly I can find the time or energy to do something about it! But I know I need to. And I know I need to buy more clothes. There is a gorgeous leather jacket in Next that I love and I see it every time I go through Stansted airport (which has been frequently just recently!). I want it so bad and yet I question whether I would wear it, whether it would suit me, whether I would be out of my comfort zone in it.

Why have I managed to lose touch with my friends?

I can’t remember the last time I saw my friends. That’s really sad isn’t it? During the week I have to rely on my mum taking Zach home or the other half leaving work stupidly early in order to go out after work. I am so heavily relied on to get Zach home in the evening that I just tend not to plan things during the week. And then the weekends are full of having fun with Zach. I have completely lost touch with my group of friends. I was the first of our bunch to have a child and since then only one has given birth. I very much need to arrange catch ups with everyone. I truly have no idea what is going on in their lives and if there’s one thing I don’t want to lose at the age of 33, it’s my friends!

Why can I just find no time for myself?

I ignore myself completely. My hair is always tied up. I shave my legs when I absolutely have to. I pluck my eyebrows a little more frequently but again, only when I absolutely have to. I do wear make up every day but I’ve even calmed that down and haven’t worn eye-shadow for a couple of months now. It’s no wonder I feel frumpy and unconfident when I know what is going on beneath the clothes! On Wednesday, I am going for a spa day with my sister so I am completely looking forward to a bit of pampering. I will even shave my legs at the weekend ahead of the treatment. But it’s so infrequent that it is going to be a complete and utter luxury. I know I shouldn’t ignore myself. I should find time to keep myself in order because I know it will make me feel better about myself. It’s just everything is such a rush, I find myself thinking I’ll just do it next time, and then the next, and then the next. I love nothing more than a big bubble bath and a magazine. Maybe I’ll treat myself to one of them this birthday weekend!

I’m actually amazed at how writing all of this has made me realise how little I think of myself right now. Feeling like I am not good enough in all aspects of my life could be quite damaging but I don’t feel damaged. I just feel like I need to make a few changes. I need to find my identity again. So here is a list of all the things I need to improve over the next year before I turn 34.

1. I either need to believe in myself a little more or find another job. This is all a little easier said than done as I’ve always mentioned before, a lot of it comes down to money. I also only know what I know, eight years in events means that’s what I do best. And most event jobs require working away. I have no idea how to change job completely and if I even want to. I know though that if we do have another baby, doing this job and having two children is not going to be easy!

2. I need to start being the mum that I dreamed of being. I somehow need to make more quality time with my boy. I need to not let any tiredness effect my attitude towards him. I need to moan less and be happy more. I don’t want him to grow up remembering me being a moany moo!

3. I need to get back in shape again. I feel happier and more confident when I am slimmer. I am in no way large but the middle of me is always what I struggle with. I hide it all quite well but when I take my clothes off, I don’t want to feel that eurgh that I feel now. I need to find some time, regular time to exercise and I need to stop eating crap. Although that king-size Twix I had the other day was epic! A lot of my bad eating comes down to being tired – I need that sugar to keep me going. But I need to stop. Now! Ok maybe after I’ve had my birthday weekend!

4. I need to put dates in the diary to see my friends. I want to catch up with each of them individually or in pairs. When we come together in a big group, you generally don’t get that quality one to one time. I want to spend a couple of hours with a bottle of wine and some good food finding out what each of them are up to and having a giggle. Friends are so important and I curse myself regularly for not seeing them.

5. Other than the spa day next week, I need to shave my legs more haha! I just need to take better care of myself in general. I am not just a mum. Not just a worker. I am me, and me needs to look after herself. I am totally having one of those luxury baths this weekend!

Have you had a crisis of confidence? Have you been in a situation where you have negative questions relating to your entire being? Have you turned it all around and now step out of the house being your confident self? I’d love to know how you did it!