Mummascribbles – Zachary, you are going to school – Mummascribbles

My darling boy. It has happened.

On Tuesday 18th April 2017, I received an email informing me that you had got a place at our first choice school. You were at nursery at the time and I was standing in the kitchen with Oscar in his high chair when I checked for the millionth time whether that important email had hit my inbox. It had. I read it. I looked at Oscar and I said, 

Zach got in!

I did a little happy dance, I waved my arms about a bit and I cheered. Oscar thought it was hilarious. And then?

Then I sobbed. Big clunking tears running down my cheek and Oscar looking at me like WTF! 

School.

School!

You are going to school. 

Even though I know you are ready – more than ready in fact – it just feels like it can’t possibly be time. I feel like I haven’t had long enough with you. I went back to work when you were ten months old. I pretty much worked full time up until I went on maternity leave again. I have been at home with you for eight months and now in less than five months time, you will be gone. Into full time education. No more slobbing on the sofa watching Moana for the millionth time. No more trips to soft play with you. No more impromptu daytime trips to the park.

Instead you will be making new friends. Learning. Exploring.

You can’t wait. You have been asking to go to school for ages now. If you’d asked me six months ago if you were ready, I’d have said no, but now you really are. Your little brain is absolutely ready for everything it is about to learn. You are so inquisitive, you want to know everything. And those teachers are going to be the best people to tell you it all.

But at the same time, there is a massive part of me that worries. I don’t think you had fully comprehended what going to school really meant and when I told you that you would be there every week day, you got sad. Sad that you were going to be away from me five days a week, even though it is something you have been so used to. Sad that you won’t be at home with your little brother.

And so I wonder, is the settling in process is going to be an extremely hard one? That even though you are going to be so excited when that first day comes around, the reality of it all will make you sad. That I will have to cope with that little bottom lip dropping, your face slowly crumbling because I’ll be leaving you there. I know that you will be fine, just like you always have been at nursery after you’ve crumpled from my leaving you. I know that I am going to be an emotional wreck whatever happens but seeing you sad will make it so much worse.

And yet I am excited for you. I am excited about you wearing your school uniform, your P.E. kit. I am excited to hear what you have learnt and to see how you will continue to grow into that beautiful human that you are. I am excited to do the school run if I am able to.

And I hope we picked a good school. The decision was so hard but I hope it is one that you are happy in. I hope you make loads of new friends. I know we were lucky to get our first choice and I think that it was the right decision that we made. It’s impossible to know but my gut said you would be happy there.

Less than five months my darling boy, until you go into the scary but wonderful world of education. These next five months are all about you. I will try and squeeze in as many trips to the park as possible. As many bike rides. As many picnics. As many trips to soft play (though I can’t always buy us lunch there else I’ll have to go back to work!). We will play as much as you want to play and we will laugh as much as you want to laugh. I need to soak all of you up. Make every last memory that I can before your memories will start being made somewhere else.

I love you so much you gorgeous little thing. I am so proud of you. You are my first baby. I have another baby right now but you are still and always will be, my first baby.

Go fly my butterfly, go fly.