My rising anxiety throughout the Coronavirus pandemic – Mummascribbles

I’ve written about my anxious feelings a couple of times before, but they were very much centred around travelling. Not travelling around the world, but anxiety about getting in the car with my children and getting stuck in traffic, and also going on public transport and there being delays/getting stuck underground. That doesn’t matter whether I am with the kids or not, I struggle if the train sits at the platform for longer than necessary and panic if it stops in a tunnel. There is an immediate fear within, my heart starts beating faster and I get hot. It is a horrible sensation but one that I don’t have to deal with very often.

Since the pandemic started however, my anxiety has got a lot, lot worse. I have never been someone that suffers with anxiety and I am in no way saying that my anxiety is a part of a bigger mental health problem. It is very specific and whilst it would be described as more than occasional, it isn’t often enough that it is consuming my life, and it is very much pandemic related. But over the last nine months, it has very much been there and and has been something that I have had to work to overcome at times.

I remember when Coronavirus had only just arrived in the UK. Remember back when there were like 2 or 3 cases somewhere in the Country. Shortly after, I went to an event in London and even though it hadn’t reached the area, I was worried the whole way there – in fact, I had almost cancelled because of it. And typically, when I stepped off the train, boom – I had a news alert to say it had in fact reached London and I spent the whole time worrying until I was safely back home in my safe surroundings. Safe at the time. Because from thereon in, it got worse, and worse, and worse.

Funnily enough, I don’t remember feeling overly anxious when Oscar and I had a god awful cough in March. Maybe because I was too busy coughing my guts up alongside him coughing his guts up. It lasted for weeks, and weeks, and weeks, and weeks and I have never actually gotten over it. My throat has never been the same since. I’ll never know if it was Covid but it was the worst and longest cough I have ever had and left me getting small coughs and sore throats every week or so since.

But leading up to that first lockdown, the news kept popping up on my phone, the number of cases kept rising along with the number of deaths too, and I often felt the panic within. There seemed to be a breaking news notification every few minutes at that point and it was doing me no good at all because every time I read one, it sent me into an internal panic. I decided that there was nothing else for it – it was time to turn off news notifications on my phone. I could happily check the news on my own terms, when I was in the right headspace for it that day. I did not need to be constantly notified when every piece of bad news was incoming, and I immediately felt so much better.

Once in lockdown, I actually felt a lot calmer. I knew the bad stuff was going on, we clapped for our carers, we knew the dangers. But as we were in lockdown, it all felt a bit safer. We were in control of where we were going, and that only ever consisted of the local Country park or Sainsbury’s.

Then the kids had to go back to school/nursery. I wrote about my feelings on that situation over here, but let’s just say I was a mess. I knew case rates had gone down massively but I knew the risk was still huge and I was so, so worried. I couldn’t get to sleep at night because the worries were spinning around in my head constantly. There were times when I was ready to withdraw them from education and home school them, but I equally knew that I am not capable of permanently home schooling! I knew they had to go back and once they had, I was fine about it. The school run became the normal part of life again and I didn’t really worry about the risks anymore because they were both thriving again. They needed their settings.

Then that first isolation period happened when Zach’s whole year group was sent home and he had been classed as a close contact. It was here that my anxiety got really bad. It was like a spiralling of crazy thoughts. Starting with what if he’s got it. Then what if he passes it to us. What if one of us (or both) end up in hospital. What if one of us dies. Those thoughts came one after the other in very quick succession and led to my mind racing, my heart racing, becoming very hot and fuzzy, and convincing myself that it was actually Covid and not anxiety. Which then sent it spiralling even further.

Then one of them would do a little cough in the night. Or sniff. Is this it? I would think. And I’d lay there at 4am needing a (tmi) nervous poo because of it.

Zach went back to school and by that point, most of the school had been home isolating and were all back, so I felt a bit happier knowing that hopefully they would have enhanced their safety measures. And then Oscar had to isolate. And I worried even more because it was a member of the nursery staff and I can only imagine how close he had got. Back to the 10 day panic of watching for symptoms, worrying over every runny nose, every tiny cough. It was exhausting and I was constantly on edge with all of these horrendous thoughts.

When school broke up for Christmas, I spent days just waiting for an isolation notification to come through but thankfully it didn’t happen. And once we were firmly through the danger period, I calmed down because I knew that once again we were mostly in control of what happened. We stayed safe at home where I was happiest.

The relief I felt when I found out our schools would be closed in Tier 4 was immense. It made me so happy to keep my boys safe at home with us, even though it meant the return of home schooling. Then of course they closed everywhere and I didn’t have to worry about them going back in two weeks. Again, relief.

However, the anxiety didn’t go away because every time I checked the news, I panicked again. Rising cases, rising deaths, overwhelmed hospitals, the desperate need for a huge vaccination programme. I would be sat watching TV in the evenings and would suddenly get that sinking feeling – the icky tummy, the whirring mind, the hotness. For no flipping reason whatsoever! It all became too much and I decided enough was enough. Even though I had turned off news notifications, I still had the Sky News app on my phone. There was only one thing I needed to do – delete it completely. So I did. And I felt so much better.

For the past few days, I have been avoiding the news as much as possible. I know that things are bad – really bad. But I don’t need to hear all the details – especially through the news who always look at everything so negatively. So bleakly. I honestly feel so much less anxious and stressed in my new non-news state. I have told the other half to tell me if there is anything important that I need to know, but otherwise, I know not a lot! And I like it that way. We are at home in our little bubble staying as safe as we can. And it’s where I intend to stay until things have (hopefully) got better again.

***

There are a few things that I have been doing to try and keep my spirits positive, keep me less anxious, and to turn my mind off of all the craziness.

First up is my Positive Planner. I got this for my birthday and have been filling it in daily. It is a great space to look at the good things, to write down my feelings, and to try and be generally happier.

Next is my new subscription to The Happy Newspaper. I loved the look of a newspaper filled with happy news, so I signed up for it and got my first copy in December. I am reading it slowly so I don’t get through it too quickly as they only come once every three months.

I have been spending a lot of time on Instagram – especially stories. The ones of my favourite people who bring positivity to my days. And I have been busy sharing positive posts and trying not to focus on negativity. One of my faves to follow is Dr Alex George who is an Emergency Care Doctor working on the frontline. His grid and stories are full of positivity and I feel like if he can be positive, I can! I’m also loving Brummy Mummy of 2 stories and also Mummy of Four. They keep me sane!

I have been listening to more music that I love. Which has featured a lot of Mcfly haha!!! But listening to music when I cook, when I clean, and having a little party with the kids really keeps my spirits up.

And finally, I try to limit my news to the rundown that The Brick Castle puts out regularly. She covers everything that is happening Covid wise, but without the complete negativity that the news sources bring. Although sometimes I can’t bring myself to read that either!

______________

If you are struggling at all and want to reach out at any time, do get in touch. You can drop me a message on Facebook or Instagram, or email me at [email protected]. I am not an expert at dealing with anxiety, but if I can help in any way, I’ll be there.