Why I am done having babies (I think!) – Mummascribbles

It wasn’t so long ago that I was writing a post about how I didn’t think I was done with having babies. I have always been a broody so and so, and I still am. I coo over little babies, love cuddling them, and I know that if I did experience the whole giving birth thing again, I would love that baby so very dearly. Feel that instant bond. Be amazed at those tiny fingers and tiny toes. Listen to those little breaths, the milky cries, the sleepy whimpers. Oh yes. I love ALL of that.

But you know what? Despite all of that. Despite really and truly thinking that I really wanted a third child. Well in truth, I think I am done. Stopping at two. No more babies!

So what happened? What changed my mind when I so strongly wanted another?

Well. I wrote that first post when Oscar was 6 weeks old – still the gorgeous, tiny newborn who was sleeping really well, feeding really well, and just an all round heartbreaker. And the second post when he was a couple of months off of being two. And despite him still breastfeeding when I was a bit over it, sleeping terribly, and making me sleep in his bed every night – I still saw myself adding another to the brood.

But then it all changed. He grew up. And his brother grew up too. And together, as if they have planned it – they have both put me off of having another child. You see that cute innocent baby turns into a back-chatting toddler who is learning all of his back-chatting ways off of his almost seven year old brother who thinks he is 13!

Yes really. That happens. You think you are through the terrible twos and then the threenager stage hits. And then the fournager. Yes – that really is a thing! And before you know it, every single year gets harder and harder. The attitude, the sass. It all comes on and doesn’t disappear off anywhere. And like I say, before you know it, the little one is doing it too. Oscar’s thing at the moment when he doesn’t get his own way, or I am asking him to do something he doesn’t want to do, is huff and say “fine”. FINE. He isn’t even three yet and I am getting sass and attitude from him!

Honestly, parenting my two boys is a challenge on a daily basis. And when I get to the end of the day, I am pretty much a broken woman! And while I know (god I hope I know) that over time it should get better – adding another one into the mix really isn’t my idea of fun now. And in a way, it would be incredibly selfish of me to do so.

And that’s the other reason I have changed my mind. It would be wholly selfish. I want a baby so everyone else has to have a baby too. Only the two children that I already have, need me so much already. So to have to split myself three ways just wouldn’t be fair on them. Oscar is in a seriously tricky stage. Testing boundaries, finding his place in the family and in the world. Wanting to be seriously independent but equally knowing that I am fully there for him. For him to suddenly be a middle child, and have a lot less focus from me – well I genuinely believe that he would not benefit from it at all.

And then there is Zach. Already shunted aside (in the nicest possible way) by Oscar’s needs – I really do think he would be seriously affected by the the arrival of another little one. Even though he is an amazing big brother (though a massive wind up), and constantly tells me he wants a baby sister, I don’t think it is what he would really want in reality. He needs me just as much as his little brother does. But he is constantly being pushed aside, constantly being asked to think of Oscar, and not be able to do this and that because Oscar is just not capable yet even though he thinks he is. And it just isn’t fair. To add another baby would just not make sense when I am struggling so much to help Zach find his place.

And then of course there are the other aspects of life, not just the parenting side.

Sleep. I am almost getting it back! It isn’t perfect yet. Oscar still quite likes me being in his bed – but he sleeps SO much better than he used to. Sometimes he even sleeps through the night. I am spending more time in my own bed than I have been over the last year and a half, and I am sensing that this will only continue to improve if Zach is anything to go by (that boy would sleep through an earthquake).

My life. I am just getting that back too. I can actually go out at night now.

We discovered a while ago that the other half can put Oscar to bed without any issues. And so I can now spend evenings outside of the house that I was pretty much confined to for two and a half years. I can also leave him without issue during the day, and we have been out a few times in the day together with other people looking after the pair of them. We are planning a weekend away next year just after the wedding, and I am hopeful that will all run smoothly!

Our future. We are no spring chickens now. In a couple of months we will be 37. And considering there would be absolutely no plans to have a baby before we get married, that would mean that we would be almost 38 at the point of trying. And despite not feeling my age, I genuinely think it would be silly to try and have a baby at such a late stage. I know that plenty of people have babies later than that, but we have two gorgeous children who are just perfect. I had two wonderful pregnancies. There is no saying that all of that will happen again, so why risk it?

And then there are the things I see in our future. I would love to move to a bigger house, and if we can’t do that because of the rocky state of the market, we would like to add an extension onto our house. I’d also like to add a dog to the family, and we would like to go on nice holidays with the boys. We wouldn’t be able to do any of those things if we had another baby!

The boys’ future. I want my boys to fully enjoy their lives. I know that money isn’t everything, and by god we have been in the position where we are scraping by month to month. But right now, we are in a pretty fortunate position and that has made me want my two boys to really enjoy what they love. And adding another child into the mix would put a halt to that because paying for three lots of children’s activities would just be nigh on impossible.

At the moment Oscar does football, and Zach does performing arts and swimming. I am also putting Oscar’s name down for swimming, and in September I am going to try Zach with Beavers. We can afford all of that at the moment but there is no saying that will continue forever, which is why I am completely aware of how lucky I am to be able to let them do these things that they love. But if we had another child, some of those things would definitely have to stop and I don’t think that would be fair on either of the boys.

And then there are things like school trips. They all cost money – and a lot of money as they get older. And of course, if one goes, the other can’t not go a few years later. So we already know we are going to have to pay for two lots of trips every time in the future! Two sets of school uniform. You know the score!

So all in all, over the last year or so, I have managed to slowly convince myself that I am done having babies. Even though I love them, I make beautiful ones, and I do truly miss that baby stage, they don’t stay babies forever and I can’t keep spewing them out just to keep my baby love alive! One day I would have to stop, so why put pressure on our family, in so many different ways, just to get that newborn smell all over again?

Of course, if an accident were to happen, we would welcome a baby with open arms. It would never not be wanted. It would be a welcome accident. But planning for another child when you are already struggling to parent the two you have, and when those two need you more than ever, and when all in all, you all have pretty good lives – well it just wouldn’t make sense for us.

So that’s it. I know the other half breathed a sigh of relief when I told him that when my Mum asked if I still wanted a third child the other day, I said “no way, I’m done”. And I know she breathed a sigh of relief too (she’s here every week – she sees the challenges).

The next step on my ‘I’m done’ journey, is to go through all of the baby things than are in our loft. Of course, some things we will probably keep to the side just in case that welcome accident did happen. But it makes no sense to be hoarding stuff when we are pretty certain that we won’t be using it again.

And from here on in, now my mind is made up, now I am sure I don’t want to complicate things – I will focus on my two gorgeous children who, despite driving me a bit bonkers daily, I really do adore so very, very much. Oh and the dog. I’ll be looking for that dog just as soon as I’m allowed to!

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